The Lecter and the Brain
by Kurt
Summary: Probably the weirdest crossover you will EVER see. Dr. Lecter meets his rodent rival in Pinky and the Brain.
1. Default Chapter

            _Author's note:  Here we are, probably the weirdest crossover you will ever see.  I'm not the only one responsible for this; LoT and I came up with the idea in chat.  Then Samantha Bridges agreed to sweeten the pot by offering a chapter of 'Leaper' if I wrote this.  So here we go… _

_They're Pinky and the Brain,_

_They're Pinky and the Brain, _

_One is a genius, _

_The other's insane_

_They're laboratory mice,_

_Their genes have been spliced, _

_They're Pinky, Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brian (narf) _

            Night fell over Acme Labs.  On a table stood a small cage with two mice in it.  One bounced around happily; the other pored over a set of plans with an oversized pencil in his hand.         

"What do you want to do tonight, Brain?" the tall, goofy mouse asked.   He laughed delightedly and began to play with the edge of the other mouse's paper.  

Brain sighed and scratched his large forehead.  His voice was smooth and powerful.  

"The same thing we do every night, Pinky," he said, and stuck his finger in the air.  "Try to take over the world!"  He tapped the paper with his hand.  "My plan for tonight is foolproof."  

"Poit!"  Pinky giggled.  "Ha ha ha!"  

Brain eyed Pinky distrustfully.  "You never fail to remind me, Pinky.  When I say my plan is foolproof you simply prove to be a better fool."  

"Narf," Pinky agreed.  Brain got up and took a paper clip, which he used to pick the lock of his cage.  In a moment, he and Pinky were free.  

"Tell me, Pinky…are you pondering what I'm pondering?"  

Pinky screwed up his face and thought mightily as he could.  

"Umm, I think so, Brain, but who are we going to find to date Dr. Chilton?"  

"For tonight's plan," Brain said, "we will pose as attorneys for Dr. Hannibal Lecter.  We will free him on a technicality.  Then, he will write an inspirational book that will become a best-seller.  In his book will be a subliminal message that reads 'You will serve the Brain'.  It will be perceived by the humans who will read this book, thus setting the stage for world domination!"  

"Ha ha ha!" Pinky crowed.  "Narf!  Poit!  And then…then we'll be invited to Dr. Lecter's famous dinner parties!"  

Brain took his pencil and whacked Pinky with it on the back of the head.  

"I feel cleansed now," Brain said.  

"But Braaaaaain," Pinky said, "how are you going to free Dr. Lecter anyway?"  

"Through the legal system, Pinky," Brain said.  

"Ooooh, you're going to give him a traffic ticket?"  

Brain whacked Pinky with the pencil again.  

"No," Brain said.  He walked over to a handy closet, in which his robotic suit was stored.  It took the small mouse some time to climb to the top, but when he had, he looked like a normal man in a tuxedo, except that his mouse-sized head stuck out of the neck hole.

"We will go to the courthouse and file papers to allow us to represent Dr. Lecter _pro bono_," Brain continued.  "I will be John Brain, attorney at law, and you will be Albert Pinky, my faithful paralegal."

"NARF!  Ha ha ha!  Oooooh, I get to be a parachute," Pinky cried, capering up and down on the table.  He leaped off the table, only to discover two things.  Firstly, that he did not possess the ability to parachute to the ground.  Secondly, that a fall off a three-foot table was akin to sixty feet when one is a mouse.  

Brain sighed.  "If I could reach you, I would hurt you," he commented.  "Now, quickly, Pinky."  

Pinky scurried up the leg of the suit and plopped himself in the suit's shirt pocket.  Brain began to operate the levers and switches that allowed him to pilot the suit.  

"We will need some of the lab's equipment," Brain said thoughtfully.  

"What would that be?" Pinky asked, interested.  

"The minivan, Pinky."  The robot suit's hand scooped up the minivan keys and they were off.  

At the courthouse, no one seemed terribly surprised to see a lawyer with a small mouse-sized head poking out of a normal body.  Nor the fact that a second mouse was happily ensconced in his shirt pocket.  Brain advanced forward to the judge and cleared his throat.  

"Your Honor," he said.  "We are here today to ensure that a man has adequate legal representation.  I am John Brain, and I wish to be allowed to represent Dr. Hannibal Lecter on a _pro bono _basis." 

"And _I _am Pinky, and I'm Brain's paramecium," Pinky said importantly.   "Zort!" 

The judge looked calmly down at the mouse.  

"Doesn't Dr. Hannibal Lecter have attorneys?" the judge asked.  

"Yes, he does," Brain said.  "But none of his current attorneys can bring to bear the viewpoints of a lab mouse bent on world domination."  

"Very well," the judge said.  "So ordered.  You may go to the asylum and visit Dr. Lecter now."  

Brain threw both his small arms in the air.  

"YES!" he said.  


	2. Meeting of the Minds

                Author's note: Amazing what I find in my Fic folder.  I'd been meaning to get to this.  Here you go. Short yes, but we'll take it as it comes.  We have some cameos, and the great meeting.  

__

Dr. Chilton sat in his office chair and observed the figure before him.   

                "We've had a lot of people ask to visit Dr. Lecter," he said mildly, and ran a hand through his greasy hair.  "I do believe you're the first lab mouse who asked to see him."  

                Brain observed the man behind the desk calmly.  

                "Of course," he said calmly.  

                "Dr. Lecter is quite inscrutable," Dr. Chilton said.  "We've tried to test him.  Minnesota Multiphasic, House-Tree-Person…he folds them all into origami."   As if to demonstrate, he put a folded chicken on the desk.  

                Pinky squealed with glee.  "Ooooh, look!" he said, and ran onto the desk.  Eagerly he worked the chicken's tail and its beak pecked up and down.  "Ha ha ha!  Look, Brain, it's a chickie!"  

                Brain sighed.  "Please ignore Pinky," he instructed Dr. Chilton.  "He was born without a brainstem."  

                Dr. Chilton smirked.  

                "Now," Brain said, "I'd like to see Dr. Lecter.  I _am _his attorney."  

                Dr. Chilton let out a sigh.  "I suppose you're going to ask for better accommodations for him," he said guardedly.  

                "Actually, no," Brain said politely.  "I'm planning instead to free him as part of an intricate scheme under which I will rule the world."

                "Oh, good," Dr. Chilton mused. "His old attorney was always pestering us for better conditions."  

                Brain piloted his suit behind Dr. Chilton as they went down into the farthest reaches of the basement where Dr. Lecter was kept.    Dr. Chilton explained the rules of visiting Dr. Lecter.  

                "You may only use the document carrier to send anything to him," Chilton said.  "Do not accept anything he holds out through the barrier to you.  Do not give him anything through the barrier.  He may have whatever he likes on soft paper.  No staples, no paperclips, no pens.  He has his own felt-tip markers."  

                "A wise decision," Brain agreed.  "After all, _I _escaped from _my _cage with the aid of a simple paper clip."  

                Dr. Chilton looked at Brain curiously.  "What makes you think Dr. Lecter will talk to you?" he asked.  "He's mocked everyone else who comes to see him."  

                Brain drew himself up proudly in his suit.  "Because," he said simply.  "Dr. Lecter does not often meet his intellectual peer.  Barring that, he may be amused by Pinky."  

                "Oooooh," Pinky cooed from his position in his pocket.  "I get to amuse Dr. Lecter!"  A thoughtful expression crossed his face.  "But Braaaaaain….mightn't it be dangerous?  Isn't he a cannibal?"  

                "He is indeed," Brain agreed.  "However, you're a mouse, Pinky."  

                Pinky smiled and thought mightily.  "Oh, right," he said abashedly. 

                Brain turned back to Dr. Chilton.  "May I see my client, please?" he asked.  

                "Of course," Dr. Chilton said and escorted the mouse in his robot suit down to the basement cell where Dr. Lecter was kept.  As they went, he kept up pleasant conversation.  

                "Now, Mr. Brain, I was wondering if you had any studies of Dr. Lecter," Dr. Chilton said.  

                "I certainly do," Brain agreed.  "I have studied him quite closely."  He reached into his briefcase and pulled out three battered blue books.   "Here are the scripts for _Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal, _and _Red Dragon."  _

Chilton stopped.  "Where did you get those?"  

                Suddenly, three small mouse-like beings popped out of a handy cell. They were black with white faces.  They had three-fingered hands and tails.  They could speak English well.   One wore a blue shirt with no pants.  One wore a pair of khaki pants, a stout belt, and no shirt.  The third wore a dress. 

                "He got it from US!" the one without a shirt said.  " We're the Warner Brothers, Yakko and Wakko!"  

                The one in the dress curtseyed.  "_And _the Warner Sister, Dot," she said primly.  

                Chilton let out a pained shriek.  "Who let them out of the Violent Toons ward?  Help!  Guards!  Barney!  Help!"  

                "But Dr. Chilton, you get to be this episode's SPECIAL friend!" they chortled, and dragged him into a cell.   The door slammed shut.  Brain watched them and then continued on his way.  

                "Er, Brain," Pinky asked.  "Aren't you going to let Barney know, or something?"  

                Brain grinned.  "All in due time, Pinky," he said.   Horrendous shrieks and pleas for release emanated from the steel door.

                Pinky looked over the shoulder of the mechanical suit and looked frightened.   "Does 'due time' change when they have him in a pink tutu?"  

                "Not at all, Pinky," Brain said.  The screams and shrieks began to fade as gates slammed shut behind them and they went on their way.  "Not at all."  

                Down on the basement level of the Violent Men's Ward, Brain piloted his suit up to the desk.  There, Barney awaited him.  He introduced himself.  

                "I put a chair down there for you," he said.  "You'll do fine."  

                "Thank you, Barney," Brain said.  "I am looking forward to this.  Dr. Lecter's genius rivals my own."  

                Brain continued down the hallway.  As he passed a cell, the occupant leaned forward.  

                "_I can smell…your…cheese," _gibbered the cell's occupant.  

                "Oh yeah?" Pinky chortled.  "Well, I can smell _your _cheese!"  Gleefully he pointed at a piece of limburger cheese sitting on a plate in Miggs's cell.  "Ha ha ha!  Narf!"  

                "Oh, my," Miggs said in a cultured voice.  "I am _so _embarrassed.  Let me clean that right up, old sport."  He set about throwing away the cheese and spritzing some room freshener in his cell.  "_Frightfully _sorry about that, old chap." 

                But Brain paid him no heed.  Tonight's plan was far more important.    He walked down the hall to where Dr. Lecter stood in his cell.  

                Dr. Lecter stopped and stared at the tuxedoed robot suit with a small mouse's head sticking out of it.  His eyebrows rose.  

                "Good morning," he said bloodlessly.  "I believe this is the first time a mouse has come to visit me." 

                "Hello, Dr. Lecter," Brain said.  "My name is the Brain.  May I talk with you?" 

                "Are you FBI?  You look like one of Jack Crawford's men."  

                Brain shook his head.  

                "Not at all, Dr. Lecter.  I'm a lab mouse bent on world domination.  And I'd like to free you to do that."  

                Dr. Lecter nodded.  "May I see your identification?" he asked.  

                Brain shrugged and reached into a pocket.  He removed a folder which he flapped open.  It revealed a card with Brain's picture on one side.  On the other, written in red letters, were the words _LAB MOUSE BENT ON WORLD DOMINATION.  _

Dr. Lecter blinked.  "Closer, please."  

                Brain approached the barrier.  

                "Closer."  

                "Here," Pinky cried, and helpfully took the card and jumped in the document carrier.  Brain shoved it through.  Dr. Lecter took the card and thanked him courteously.  Pinky looked around the cell.  

                "Are those your drawings, doctor?" he asked.  

                "Yes," Dr. Lecter assured the British-accented, overbite-inflicted lab mouse.  "That is the Duomo, as seen from the Belvedere."  

                Pinky ran up and plastered his mousy body against the picture.  "NARF!  Ha ha ha!  Look Brain, I'm in Italy!"  

                Both Brain and Dr. Lecter sighed.  Dr. Lecter picked up the mouse and dropped him into the document carrier headlong.  

                "Thank you," Brain said. 

                "POIT!  Ha ha ha!  That document carrier is FUN!"  Pinky crowed.  

                "Enough, Pinky," Brain admonished.  "Dr. Lecter, your hearing will be shortly.  Soon you'll be free…and soon after that, I will rule the world."  


	3. Bargain

                _Author's note:  Yes, it's been a while.  Here's a chapter for you all. _

                The gallery of the courtroom was packed.  Press and gawkers filled the seats to capacity.  This was indeed a rare day; Dr. Hannibal Lecter had new attorneys.  Tonight a new hearing would take place on Dr. Lecter's incarceration in the asylum.  

                Brain grinned to himself as he waited at the table.  Next to him, Dr. Lecter stood on the furniture dolly, bundled up tight in his straitjacket and mask.  On the table, Pinky capered and played.

                The judge came in and sat down, bringing the court to order.  He stared at Brain for a moment as if confused.  

                "In the matter of Lecter v. State, John Brain, attorney for Hannibal Lecter, wishes to challenge the terms under which Dr. Lecter is held in the asylum," the judge said.  "Is this correct?"  

                Brain grinned widely.  "Yes, your Honor," he said.  "I have here the original search warrant that the police used to search Dr. Lecter's basement."  The robotic suit's hand waved a piece of paper.  Brain's voice was rolling and sonorous as he continued.  

                "As you can _plainly _see," he said, "this warrant was signed by Judge Sean Abrams."   He handed it to the judge.  "However, the signature on the warrant has an extra loop at the end, making it signed by 'Seam Abrams', and thus invalid.  The search of Dr. Lecter's house was therefore unlawful." 

                The prosecutor stood up.  "Now just a minute," he said.  "Do you _really _expect to free a known cannibal and serial killer because of an extra loop on the search warrant?"  

                "You _are _no doubt aware," Brain said, "that in Hawaii it is illegal to stick pennies in your ear." 

                "That has nothing to do with anything!" the prosecutor said.  "Simple _justice _requires that Dr. Lecter remain incarcerated."  

                "This is a court of _law," _Brain said.  "Surely the esteemed prosecutor is aware that in Trenton, New Jersey it is illegal to wear a false face or disguise while herding sheep over the streets!  And in Elkhart, Indiana, it is illegal for a barber to threaten to cut off a youngster's ears!"   

                The judge sighed.  "Whatever the case may be, it seems that Mr. Brain is correct.  The search of Dr. Lecter's home was illegal, and therefore I must set him free.  Dr. Lecter, on behalf of the people of the State of Maryland, I must ask you nicely to change your cuisine."  

                He rapped his gavel, and all was said and done.  The court officials hurriedly unstrapped Dr. Lecter from his dolly and let him go.  Brain walked with him out to the street. 

                "Thank you for arranging that, Mr. Brain," Dr. Lecter said casually. "Now.if you'll be excusing me, I have a trip to Virginia to make.  I have a former patient to see.and a former student to.speak with."  He smiled coolly.  

                Brain halted.  "Dr. Lecter, wait," he said.  "Now you and I must collaborate on an inspirational book!  We will place a subliminal message on each page that will read 'You will bow before the Brain'."  

                Dr. Lecter chuckled.  "Whyever would I want to do that?"  

                Brain paused.  "Surely a man of your intelligence would realize that the world will be better off under my domination than under its current governments."  

                Dr. Lecter eyed Brain calmly from his strange maroon eyes.  "I care little to nothing for politics, Mr. Brain."  

                "But _my _superior intelligence can ensure that things that should happen _will _happen," Brain protested.  

                "Then you may dominate the world on your own, Mr. Brain."  

                Brain sighed.  "Very well," he said.  "You drive a hard bargain, Dr. Lecter.  I'll make you this offer:  when I rule the world, I will have Dr. Chilton put in your old cell."  

                Dr. Lecter's eyes seemed hooded as he looked intrigued.  "Interesting, but I am quite capable of taking care of Dr. Chilton on my own."  

                Brain swallowed.  "All right, then," he said.  "I will _also _have Clarice Starling delivered to your residence.  In a black negligee." 

                Dr. Lecter paused for an instant before putting out his hand.  "Very well, Mr. Brain.  You have a deal."  


End file.
